Slowly, Then all at Once
by agentjareau
Summary: After keeping it a secret for over 3 years, JJ finally breaks. Hastings had made her so vulnerable, so uncontrolled, so broken. When the team finds out about her miscarriage, they attempt to help her the best they can. Hotch has an overwhelming sadness fo
1. Chapter 1

**This is my first multi-chapter fanfiction, so I am super excited about updating for you all. It's not Shakespeare, but it's work, and drabble. Yeah, work and drabble.**

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April 16, 2014  


Jennifer Jareau sat in her office, finishing up her paperwork for the latest case. She wasn't entirely sucked into her work, though. She was just about ready to break down into tears. Slowly and steadily, she pulled the necklace lightly from her neck. Holding it, she recited the words imprinted inside; '_if you're not inside of me, I'll put my future in you_.'

April 16, 2011

_"There's something else." Cruz whispered, looking down on his colleague._

_The look in JJ's eyes changed bitterly from confusion to sadness. She had realized; she lost her baby. JJ let a single tear drop down her cheek, and laying back, resting her hands on the stomach that once had life in it, whispered, "no, no."_

_"I'm sorry." Cruz whispered._

_That was the day that everything changed. Henry wouldn't have a little brother or sister, and they wouldn't have a second child. God, they would have been so delighted to hear about this new addition. She didn't even get to tell them. She didn't want to, though. That would make them sad over something that's already done. The baby was the piece of Will that she so dearly needed in Afghanistan. Without it, she was alone. Now, she had nobody to whisper her worries to in the middle of the night._

April 16, 2014 

JJ studied the black and white photograph. Although there wasn't much of the baby developed, JJ could still make out certain features. It was the photograph she kept in her pocket, at all times, so wherever she went, she had a piece of her baby. She kept a wallet sized copy of it in her briefcase, too, so she wouldn't feel lonely going out on a case. Suddenly, there was a knock at the door. JJ slipped the photograph under her file and looked up, saying, "come in."

"JJ? What are you still doing here? I thought you left ages ago." Blake said.

"I didn't want to be finishing up cases at home, when I can spend the time with my boys." JJ said, hesitantly, silently praising herself for the terrific lie.

"Oh, well, it's 8:30, you should probably go. Reid and I are just about to head out, why don't you come with us?" Blake offered.

JJ shook her head and sighed, "no, I'm-I'm fine here. I've only got a bit left."

"Really? Alright, well, I'll see you tomorrow, JJ." Blake said, closing the door, before joining up with Spencer Reid, who looked like he had a few questions to ask, himself.

JJ couldn't go home and cry. How she longed to be curled up in Will's embrace, crying over the loss of their child. It was a dream that would never come true. It was much too late to tell Will about the baby. She figured it was best to keep the negativity at work, and the happy stuff at home.

She closed up her files quickly, grabbed her purse and coat, and slipped out of her office. Jennifer Jareau didn't want her colleagues to know about any of this mess. She wished it was her and Will's mess, but this time, it was only hers. Will shouldn't have to know about what could have been. He didn't deserve this type of sadness.

_Nobody did_.

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**Chapter 1: finished.**

** Chapter 2 is in progress, and will be up sometime within the next 2 days. Reviews are food to me, and I love my food.**


	2. Chapter 2

**Here is chapter 2. Please review it. Reviews are food.**

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April 16, 2014 

_9:00pm _

JJ walked into her dimly lit home and dropped her briefcase and keys outside Henry's door. She listened for life at the door and smiled, before opening it. She crept over to the sleeping 5 year old and snuggled with him, listening to the soothing sound of his breathing. If she had that second baby, she would get to do this with them, too. Suddenly, she felt hands on her back, gentle hands.

"Missed you." Will whispered, waiting for JJ to finish kissing Henry.

"I um, I missed you too." JJ said, trying hard not to let the tears prick her eyes. Will and JJ stood at their sons door and watched him sleep so soundly, so peaceful. JJ then turned around and grabbed Will, kissing him amorously.

"Whoa, what was all that for?" Will asked, holding JJ's waist tightly.

"I just.. I just really need someone right now." JJ said. She didn't really want to explain why, because she just wanted him and his love, not his sadness.

"Tough case?" He wondered. When JJ didn't answer, he knew something was terribly wrong. But, knowing his wife, she wouldn't open up.. No matter how hard he tried her.

"Yeah," JJ said, looking down, "tough case."

Will decided that he was done letting her hurt herself. He led her off to their bedroom and they sat down. "Seriously, JJ, what's been buggin' you today?" Will pressed. He had noticed her depressed attitude all day, ever since they got up. She spent extra time with Henry, which wasn't unusual, but it seemed as though Henry was her secret therapy.

"I told you," JJ said, getting up, pulling off her blazer, "really tough case."

"JJ, I'm tired of you closing yourself away," Will said, grabbing her arm lightly, "you've always got something on your mind that bugs you."

JJ shrugged Will off and began to unbutton her blouse, "I know, babe, I do, but it's just a day.. Where.. Nothing quite fits into place, you know?"

"I completely understand, Jay, but I just want you to know- I'll always be here. If you wanna talk, just remember I'm here. Always."

"Everything will be better tomorrow, promise." JJ said, attempting to assure her husband that it was just a one day thing, but it wasn't.

It was a lifetime thing.

April 17, 2014 

_7:45am_

"Hey, anyone seen or heard from JJ?" Hotch questioned to the group of profilers who sat, evenly spaced around the round table.

"Mmm, no." Morgan shrugged, looking around at the others, who carried the same expression.

"She was in her office last night," Blake spoke up, "at about 8:30, I think?"

"Maybe she fell asleep doing files.. She's done it before." Reid offered.

"Check her office. We can't start this case without her." Hotch said, instructing Reid and Blake to go and find their colleague.

They got to her office, only to find it empty. The coat rack was empty, as was her chair. Her desk was messy, as usual, and around the desk lay pictures of her family and friends. The walls were pale, but fixated with Henry's drawings and awards.

"Is this a note she left?" Reid wondered, eyeing a white square of material on the desk.

"Flip it over. Read it," Blake said, "but hurry."

Reid flipped the white square over to reveal a sonogram. The sonogram JJ had left behind the night before. He stared blankly at it for a moment.

"Well? What is it?" Blake questioned, studying Reid's expression.

"A sonogram." Reid answered, emotionless.

"What about it?" Blake pressed.

"_It was issued April 3rd, 2011_."

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**There's chapter 2. Enjoy? Haha, well, I'll post more later. So, Reid and Blake have found the sonogram, and are going to be a bit puzzled for a while. But, it's not the usual tell-tale fanfiction. I've got all sorts of bumps in the road to issue.**


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3. The team pretty much knows, and I'll focus on pulling JJ out of her "I'm fine" phase.**

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April 17, 2014 **  
**

"That was 3 years ago." Blake said, looking slightly sad.

"When she worked in the state department." Reid stated, examining the picture, confirming it was JJ's sonogram.

"She lost the baby." Blake said, in a questionable way.

"Yeah." Reid said, sounding more disappointed than he had ever done before. He was destroyed on the inside. He only wanted good for JJ. Not this. Not the loss of her child.

"We um, we better get back." Blake said, changing the subject. Reid carried the sonogram with him into the briefing room, where 4 profilers sat with questionable faces.

"Well?" Hotch wondered.

"Found this on her desk." Reid said, dropping the sonogram photograph on the table. The profilers took a couple of seconds to examine it. All was calm until they realized it was JJ's, and it was issued in 2011, the year she worked for the state department.

"Oh my God," Garcia gasped, "I need a moment."

"God..." Hotch said drearily, looking back, "I.. I didn't know she miscarried."

"It's alright, Hotch." Morgan said.

"I could have helped her. I could have taken... Her out of that depression." He continued.

"I could have had another godchild, are you joking me?" Garcia exclaimed, angrily, on the verge of tears.

"I.. I don't know what else to say." Reid said, looking down at his shoes.

"Come on, pretty boy, it's gonna be okay. We're gonna get her help." Morgan said, patting his friends back.

"She's lived with this burden for 3 years.. And we're just supposed to.. Pass it off?" Reid half-yelled.

"We will get her help. We are going to be there for her." Blake comforted. A couple of minutes later, JJ came into the room in a hurry. She dropped her briefcase and took a seat just after Hotch sneakily hid the sonogram.

"Sorry I'm late." JJ said, "I had to take Henry to the doctors. Will's away on a case, so I'm working double duty."

"It's okay, JJ." Hotch said in a comforting tone.

JJ looked surprised, "r-really? You're not mad?"

Hotch shook his head and smiled rather sadly, "I'm not mad. Not mad at all."

"Well," Garcia said, trying to get everyone's attention, "this is a local case. 35 year old Diana Lisbon, mother of 2. One 6 year old, and one on the way.. Kidnapped."

"Any other victims?" Rossi wondered, watching as Garcia pressed the 'next' button on the remote.

"Two other victims. 32 year old Mary Swanson, who was also kidnapped while she was pregnant, was beaten so badly, she actually lost the baby."

JJ immediately felt very tense. Why this case? Out of all the cases, why this one? Especially now? She could feel the teams eyes on her for a couple of seconds. What did they know that she didn't? "Other victim?" JJ asked, trying to sound as happy as she possibly could while reviewing a case.

"Ah, um, and this is 36 year old Lisa Burns, who was also pregnant while kidnapped, this time, water boarded, electrocuted, and nearly raped. The electrocution was all it took to kill her baby."

JJ closed her eyes for a brief moment.

January 24, 2014

_ "I want Integrity, she's the price." Hastings growled, glaring irritably at JJ. He grabbed her cheek and forced her to look up at him. He suddenly made an evil smirk._

_ "Maybe, I can make you.." He said, trailing his hands to her flat stomach, "another one." He smiled greedily at JJ and she looked him in the eyes, biting her lip with fright. Hastings continued roaming JJ's body with his hands, and eventually began to unbutton her shirt, button, by button._

_ He glanced over at Matt and smirked, "take your time, Matt, I've been thinking about this for years." _

_Michael Hastings unbuttoned her shirt even further, leaving a shaking JJ, and an even worried Matt. "Matt, don't, I'm fine," JJ stated, slightly cringing when she heard the break in her own voice, "I'm fine," she said, as she felt Hastings undo her pants, "I'm fine." She whispered._

April 17, 2014

"I'm fine." JJ kept whispering to herself, over and over again.

"JJ?" Morgan questioned, reaching for her forearm. JJ looked up at her colleague with worry. She was still trapped there, in that basement, with Hastings, "I'm fine."

"No, you're not. You're going home." Hotch said, realizing the worry in her eyes.

"I'm fine, Aaron," JJ said, trying to put up a strong front, "I'm fine."

Hotch was very, very angry. This evil, selfish, disgusting man had really broken JJ, to the point where she would keep repeating her lies, telling herself that she was fine, when she was far from fine.

"I'm fine! Let me go!" JJ yelled, as Hotch attempted to walk her out, "I'm fine!"

"You just keep telling yourself that." Hotch muttered, letting the team stare at them as they walked out. It looked as though an angry parent was dragging her child out of the store after begging for an expensive toy.

"She is not okay." Blake stated, looking at her colleagues in sadness.

"No," Reid said, "no, she is not."

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**There's chapter 3. I guess it's intense, but it ain't Shakespeare, that's for sure. The team knows, but there will be some little things here and there. Review.**


	4. Chapter 4

**Here is the sorta-long awaited chapter 4. Read and review. That's all I ask. Warning: moderate twist at the end...**

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April 17, 2014

8:20am

JJ sat across from Hotch, slumped in a big leather chair.

"JJ, I'm admitting you to therapy. It seems as though you've let this take over your life." Hotch said, looking into JJ's eyes with sadness.

"I don't need therapy," JJ said.

"_I'm fine_." Hotch and JJ said at the same time. Hotch was more mimicking it, though.

"Well, you're not." Hotch said, hoping JJ would realize it herself.

"I am." JJ argued, her cheeks red from crying.

"What would Will do if he had seen you in this state?" Hotch questioned, feeling as though he had won her over.

"He would cuddle me and tell me everything's gonna be okay." JJ answered truthfully.

"And admit you to a doctor, and schedule therapy sessions, and get you some extra time with Henry." Hotch said, raising his eyebrows.

JJ nodded and burst into tears. Hastings had made her so vulnerable, so uncontrolled, so broken. She couldn't even control her emotions anymore. Hotch felt a lump in his heart for his agent. Not only was she secretly his favourite profiler, but she did so much for everyone that he could never do. She was the one who gave everybody advice. Whether it was work advice, or relationship advice, she knew what to say. He loved her happy attitude and the funny jokes she would make when working, just to keep the ethic up. She was greatly admired by him at how well she could manage working and having a family.

"JJ," Hotch whispered, putting his hands over hers, "does Will know?"

JJ looked up at Hotch in confusion, "what?"

Hotch looked into his colleagues big, puppy dog blue eyes, "we saw the um, the sonogram."

JJ looked down and took a deep breath, "oh."

Hotch couldn't help it anymore. He wanted to pour his love out for her, because he knew she needed it. He wanted to be there for her. He didn't want her to marry him, or have a child with him, but he wanted her to feel safe around him, and know that he would always be there no matter what.

"No." JJ finally answered quietly, "no."

"JJ, I'm so sorry.. I am just so, so sorry." Hotch cried out, squeezing her hand tight.

He looked over and saw the agents walking out into the bullpen, grabbing their things. From the looks of it, they had briefed the case and were ready to go. They both saw Reid running up the steps to Hotch's office. He knocked on the door and waited for a "come in" from his boss.

"You coming?" Reid wondered, eyeing the interaction between him and JJ.

Hotch shot JJ a sympathetic look and then looked back up at Reid, "no, I'm gonna-"

"Just go," JJ whispered, "go. I'll be fine."

"No," Hotch said, firmly. "I am staying here, right by your side."

He looked up at Reid, "no. I'm gonna work from here," he said, using his work voice. He then switched back to his soothing voice, telling JJ, "I'm gonna be here with you."

Reid and the others left shortly after Hotch made his proclamation.

"JJ, I am going to get you help. You've gone two whole months dealing with what Hastings did to you. I couldn't bare to see you deal with two months more."

JJ looked to the side faintly, "we were trying back in 2011. Will and I wanted a baby so bad.. It was just.. We both wanted a little brother or sister for him.. And.." JJ shuddered when her voice broke.

"I know." Hotch whispered.

"It was the baby's anniversary yesterday," JJ said with tears in her eyes, "the day it was just.. Torn from me."

"Don't speak, JJ." Hotch said, soothingly.

"But I-"

"It's alright."

"But, Hotch, you're my boss.. My- my mentor, you deserve to know." JJ argued, fighting tears.

"JJ, your husband doesn't even know. I think he deserves to..."

"I can't. He will _hate_ me, Aaron. All he wanted was a baby, too, and I took that away. From the _both_ of us."

JJ had let the tears flow down. She felt so helpless.

Hotch sighed, "JJ, none of this is your fault, you know that, right?"

JJ shook her head and looked down, "there's something else."

"What is it?" Hotch wondered.

"I'm pregnant." JJ whispered, attempting to wipe the tears in her eyes.

"JJ.. That's-that's great." Hotch said, his eyes lighting up in excitement for her. He stood up, as did she, and they hugged. JJ sat back down and ran her hands along her sleeves. Noticing this behaviour, Hotch felt that she hadn't told him everything.

"What else?" He asked promptly, waiting for his eyes to find hers.

"What?" She questioned, skeptically, attempting to lie.

"JJ, come on, you've made it this far. You can tell me." Hotch pressed gently.

Looking into his eyes, JJ slowly pulled up her sleeves...

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**What a twist, I guess. JJ is pregnant and there will be some fluff with that. As for that very last part- phew! I thought of it last minute. Anyway, review please.**


	5. Chapter 5

**How intense can I possibly make this story? Very.**

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April 17, 2014

9:10am

"JJ!" Hotch half-scolded.

"I'm sorry." JJ whispered.

"No, no, JJ.." Hotch began, jumping up from his chair, going over to JJ, "when did this start?"

JJ shook her head and fell into sobs. Her hands were trembling and cold, until Hotch placed his warm, sturdy ones over them. "I'm going to help you." He whispered, pulling her into a securing hug.

8:30pm

Hotch and JJ got out of the SUV and walked up to JJ's front door. Will opened it to see his crying wife. "JJ?!" Will half-yelled.

"Will," Hotch said, calmly, "we need to talk."

JJ threw herself into Will's arms, sobbing uncontrollably. She didn't feel like the mature, independent woman everyone saw her as.

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"How long has this been goin' on, Jay?" Will questioned worriedly, stroking the scars on her wrists and forearms.

JJ sniffled, "ever since I lost it."

Will tilted his head in confusion, "lost what?"

"The baby." JJ whispered, burying her head into his embrace.

"You were.. When?" Will asked. He couldn't take in everything at once, and everything seemed so unreal.

"State Department.. 2011... Hastings.." JJ dragged, crying harder and harder with every word.

"JJ, I'm so sorry. You could have told me.. I- I would've been there." Will stumbled, stroking her head, whilst keeping her close.

"Will, I'm sorry you had to hear all this." Hotch apologized, eyeing the couple with sadness.

"It's.." Will started, as he rubbed his thumb over the sonogram, "it's alright."

"If you two need any time off, I'll-" Hotch began.

"Mama! You're home!" Henry exclaimed, clutching onto JJ's legs. JJ looked down at her little boy and smiled sadly, "yeah, baby, I'm home."

"I'll let you two talk, a'right?" Will said, before kissing JJ's head. He picked up Henry and took him away, out of the room, allowing JJ and Hotch to talk. JJ sat with her hands out in front of her, cupped around each other.

"Does he know you're pregnant?" Hotch whispered, putting his hands on hers.

"Yea.." JJ sobbed, "3 months."

"Alright." Hotch whispered.

April 18, 2014 

6:30am

"Will, I'm gonna just-" JJ started, grabbing her briefcase. Will caught her wrist just in time.

"JJ, when did you start cutting?" He asked, sitting her down on the side of the bed.

"Babe, can we _please_ not bring this up?" JJ pleaded, "I've got to go to work."

Will frowned at his wife. She was never like this. Sure, she was always secretive, but now, it was out of hand. "You're not going to work. Hotchner said not to come in." Will drawled.

God, she loved the way he spoke. "I don't give a damn about what Hotch had to say!" JJ snapped. That's when Henry walked in, holding his books, all ready for kindergarten.

"Why mommy yell?" He asked.

"Mommy's just a little sad over something. It's nothing for you to worry about." Will said, "why don't you go downstairs, I'll make breakfast in a minute."

"Okay!" Henry exclaimed, running out.

"JJ, see? That's our son. Ours. If you want him to be happy, you've gotta be happy yourself."

"I can't, babe, I can't. Our baby is gone. It was just ripped from me, and I'm expected to just not question what could have been?" JJ half-yelled, "I can't just sit here and not imagine what life could've been like with two little ones running around.. I can't let him grow up alone."

At this point, Will had his arms around her, and she was crying. "I'm sorry." JJ said, "I'm crying again, and it's pathetic."

Will rubbed his thumb over her scars, which had become a habit in the past day, "it's not pathetic." He whispered.

"I-I've gotta go." JJ said, getting up. She grabbed her briefcase and walked out. She got downstairs and wrapped Henry in a big, warm hug, and then kissed him. Will followed her and came up from behind, stroking her hair lightly.

"We're going to a counsellor, tomorrow. I can't keep letting you hurt yourself." Will said quietly, but not quiet enough.

"Why mommy hurt self?" Henry asked, picking up on what Will had just said.

"At work, buddy," Will stumbled for a coverup, "she sometimes hurts herself."

"Don't hurt today." Henry said, smiling.

"I won't." JJ said, "I promise, and we always keep our promises, don't we?"

"Yeah!"

7:40am

JJ got into work, just in time. The team were all seated around the round table waiting for Hotch to come in. When they saw JJ, their faces and attitudes changed.

"Sorry I'm late again, I got held up at home." JJ lied, "Henry didn't want to go to school."

"That's completely understandable." Blake said, smiling a little at her colleague.

"Yeah." JJ said, feeling a little guilty that she had lied.

"Are you okay?" Reid asked, seriously.

"Fine." JJ replied.

Reid didn't exactly feel too sympathetic for his friend, though. Before the events with Hastings and Askari, JJ kept telling him that she was fine, but where did it get her? Nowhere. All of her "I'm fine's" resulted in kidnapping, torturing, and attempted rape. She had even began cutting herself shortly after being rescued, because she felt it was the only way to ease the pain. Reid felt as though his best friends relationship with JJ was crushed after Ian and Emily's events. He couldn't believe her that much anymore, and it felt terrible to admit that.

"JJ, come on, you're not fine, it's obvious." Reid snapped, gaining him lots of attention.

"I am fine, I told you." JJ said, her voice rising with each word.

"Then stop lying about it. Don't think we don't see those scars on your wrists!" Reid yelled. He had taken it too far.

_Much too far._

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** That was chapter 5. Review it, please.**


	6. Chapter 6

** I guess this is an intense chapter. We are going to explore JJ & Blake's friendship here, so bare with me. It was an interesting chapter to write, I'll tell you that. A lot of time changes & flashbacks in the end of the chapter, but it'll make sense.**

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April 18, 2014 

"Spence.." JJ half whispered.

"Pull up your sleeves, JJ, we all know what happened.. I'm sorry, but all you've done is lie to us." Reid said, getting quieter, and more calm.

"Spence, I-"

"Don't." Reid snapped.

JJ dropped her head down in sadness, unconsciously rubbing her forearm. Her fingers ran over the bumps of the scars, one by one.

_8 scars total_.

"JJ... We-we didn't know." Blake whispered.

"You did, Alex. I think you did." JJ said, her voice breaking.

"We didn't." Blake said, sort of hurt that JJ didn't believe her.

"JJ, you should go and see someone, if you're cutting, it's best to get some professional help." Morgan said, seriously.

"I don't need professional help." JJ mumbled.

"Well, your arms speak otherwise." Reid grunted.

JJ immediately felt the morning sickness kick in, "I'll- I'll be right back." She said, before running off to the bathroom.

"Alright, pretty boy, what's wrong with you?" Morgan asked Reid in a rather annoyed tone.

"Nothing. Nothing at all." Reid replied, pretending to read over an old file.

"That's last weeks case file, Reid, now come on. Why the hell are you doing this?"

"Have you not been here for the past two years?" Reid argued, "first, she lied about Emily, and I went to her house, ten weeks in a row, crying over-"

"Reid, we heard the argument loud and clear, I'm just asking, why you're doing this."

"She didn't have the decency to tell me that Emily was alive. She lied about our friend. Who does that? And secondly, she lied about being fine. Her shirt was undone when she came out of that building with Emily, Morgan, and I don't get how she can be fine."

"Reid, I get how you feel, I do, but you've gotta talk this out with her." Morgan offered.

"Forget it. I've been nice to her, but she's just lied to me." Reid said, "and I don't think I can forgive her anymore."

Hotch walked in briskly and dropped a file on the table. "Where's JJ? I swear I saw her a minute ago in here." He said.

"Bathroom." Blake said, as the rest of the group stayed quiet. Hotch nodded and opened the file.

"Uh, who's is that?" Rossi wondered.

"It's JJ's. I'm scheduling her an appointment with a therapist." Hotch answered.

"Oh."

"Hotch," Reid said worriedly, "she's cutting."

"I- I know, Reid," Hotch whispered, "I'm scared for her too."

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Meanwhile, JJ sat in the bathroom stall, examining her wrists. Why did Reid have to tell everybody? Wasn't he her friend?

_8 scars total_.

JJ picked up the razor blade she had kept in her purse and hovered it over her forearm. In her head, she mapped out exactly where to cut. It would ease the pain. It would make her feel so much better. As long as Henry didn't know, everything would be fine. Oh. Henry. She was so foolish. Henry couldn't grow up with his mother like this. Will was going to hate her so much for doing this to them, but in JJ's mind, she was fighting a war.

_ A war that had already been won_.

Carefully, she sliced through the skin, revealing 4 little beads of blood in a line. She liked how it felt on her. It made her forget about Hastings for a bit. That was all she needed. Between the headaches, and the nightmares, and the cutting, this was by far the worst.

_9 scars total. _

"JJ?" She heard a familiar voice, and the faint click of high heels that she knew all too well.

"In here." JJ answered, stuffing the blade away. She made her way out of the stall, hoping the nausea would subside for a long time. She rubbed her finger along the 4 beads of blood, quickly smearing them away.

"JJ, were you sick?" Blake wondered, putting her hand on the younger agents shoulder.

"A little..." JJ said, feeling the urge to cut again. She had to put it off, though.

"What's wrong with you?" Blake asked. Those words brought JJ back.

March 1, 2011

_ "What's wrong with you?" Cruz asked, studying JJ's expression. _

_"Nothing's wrong, I'm pregnant." JJ spit out._

April 18, 2014 

"Nothing's wrong.. I'm pregnant." JJ said. A real smile, her first real smile in ages appeared.

"Is that a good thing?" Blake asked.

March 1, 2011

_"Yeah... Yeah, Will and I have been trying, it's just, I never imagined finding out about it here." _

April 18, 2014

"Yeah." JJ whispered. Tears suddenly dropped down her cheeks. She needed to tell Blake. She trusted her.

"I'm sorry." JJ whispered, pulling up her sleeves, "I trust you."

Blake looked at the scars trailing up JJ's forearm, "there's a fresh one." She pointed out.

JJ looked up from her arm, her cheeks stained red from tears.

"JJ?" Blake questioned, as though the life had been drained from the once happy and joyful blonde profiler.

"I want this to be over... I just... I just want to _die_."


	7. Chapter 7

April 18, 2014 

JJ's words felt like knives in Blake's heart. Why did she ever let it get this far? Surely, she could have helped, but, as Reid said, JJ was very secretive, and they would never have known.

"JJ, no.. No.. Don't say that. You're not dying as long as I'm around." Blake said, rubbing JJ's shoulder. Together they walked out of the bathroom.

"There's no case, by the way." Reid said, avoiding eye contact with JJ as he made his way to the kitchenette.

"Oh, uh, alright." Blake said, guiding JJ out.

Hotch stood, like a king, watching over his kingdom. He swooped over the bullpen in search of a particular blonde.

"Ah," he said, hand signalling her, "JJ, in my office please." JJ looked at Blake and made her way to Hotch's office.

She didn't sit in the big leather chairs this time, no. Hotch had guided her to the little couch in the corner. Then, a tall, dark haired woman walked in. _Oh great. He's got somebody here to diagnose me with something. I wonder how much he's told her._

"Lisa West." She said, sitting down on the couch.

"Uh, JJ."

"JJ.. I've heard a lot about you." Lisa said, smiling.

"Really?" JJ mumbled, running her thumb over her scars.

"Yeah.. Your- your boss told me everything. You seem to have PTSD, but I can't be sure of that. We would have to get you checked out, and all, but I can make a safe guess that you do, in fact have PTSD."

"PTSD?!" JJ half yelled, glaring up at Hotch, "are you kidding me? I- I can't have PTSD! Look at me! I'm fine!"

Hotch stood beside Lisa, hands in his pockets, staring at his agent. She was very far from okay.

"JJ roll up your-" Hotch started.

"Don't you dare, Hotchner." JJ snapped.

"Roll up your sleeves," Hotch demanded, "_now_."

JJ sighed deeply and rolled up her sleeves revealing 9 deep scars. Lisa gasped lightly and looked the profiler in the eyes.

"I'm fine." JJ said, using her cocky attitude, which usually got her out of psych evals.

"Stop saying you're fine, because you're clearly not." Hotch said, sighing angrily. Why couldn't she just be all better?

"How much better would your lives be if I hadn't been here?" JJ asked, looking at the older people in the eyes.

With no reply, JJ stood up, "pretty fricken better, now wouldn't they?"

"JJ.." Hotch started, as she ran out of the room.

"Leave me the hell alone!" JJ yelled, grabbing her purse.

She made it into the elevator just in time. She would go home and set up a plan. A plan to make everybody happy. Because, after all, she always put others needs before her own.

* * *

JJ got home and checked, seeing if there was anybody there. She dropped her briefcase in Will's office and crept down the hall, before she tripped on something.

"Shit." JJ hissed under her breath. She looked down and realized it was Henry's toy. She picked it up and carried it to his bedroom, placing it neatly in the bookshelf by his bed. She made her way to her bedroom and scanned through all the drawers.

"Belt.. Belt.. Belt.." She whispered, reminding herself of what she was looking for. "Ah." JJ said, feeling satisfied. She picked out the belt and placed it on the bed.

"Razor." JJ said to herself, scrambling through the drawers, attempting to find the right one. "Got it.." She said, placing it on the bed.

"Chair.. Chair." JJ said lightly, grabbing the chair from the corner of the room. She made a mental note on the objects she had. She could leave and make everybody happy. She could do it. JJ quickly put all the objects back in their spots, and took out a notebook and pen.

She began a journal.

18th 

_This is the end. I've had enough. If I leave, everyone can just move on and stop worrying about me. They think I'm some baby that constantly needs watching over. I can't live anymore if I can't even save my own child's life. Henry, if you read this, I want you to know that I love you. I'm a terrible mother. I'm never home to tuck you in at night, or make you pancakes in the morning, or take you to school, or even play with you. I assume you love your daddy more because he is not flying across the country every week, spending time with others. Henry, I haven't kept many promises to you. I've hurt myself, baby, and it's really bad. I'm not very happy, and I just want it to end. Will, if you read this, just remember.. We made it nearly two years in this marriage. Seven, if you count when we first met. I didn't think my depression would get this far, but I have to do it. I have to. I just want to be happy someplace else. I'll spend my days counting down how long I have left. _

_-JJ_

JJ signed her name on the bottom of the page and closed it. Maybe she was turning into her sister. Maybe they could finally meet again. That would be nice. That's all JJ has ever wanted, to see her sister again. This was it. This was her time. Life would be great in just a couple of days.

_3 days left._


	8. Chapter 8

April 19, 2014

9:45am

"JJ.." Her body shook lightly. Her heart beat rapidly.

"JJ..." The faint whispering got louder and louder by the word.

"JJ!" It was Will. JJ rolled over and opened her eyes, very slowly. She saw her husbands face and smiled.

"Babe..." JJ groaned, as he attempted to pull her up. After successfully pulling her up, Will took a pillow and lightly hit her shoulder.

"You wanna go, LaMontagne?" JJ exclaimed, putting on a real smile. Henry walked in and saw that his parents were pillow-fighting and decided to join in.

"Hit daddy!" He yelled, throwing his plush soccer ball at his dad.

"Ah!" Will yelled, happily, wrapping his arms around both his wife and son.

"I'm happy." JJ whispered quietly into Will's ear. He pressed his lips to her head.

"Can we have sta-bucks?" Henry asked, excitedly. It took one look into those big blue eyes.

"Yeah." JJ laughed.

It was Saturday. Henry's favourite day of the week. Why? Because it meant that his parents were most likely home. He had to spend the day at Reid's apartment because Will and JJ had to go to the therapist. After hours of convincing her, will finally got JJ to go. Although Reid had really pushed it this time with JJ, he would still do anything for her and Henry. They meant so much to him, and he had felt so bad about what he had said the other day.

"So, Spence, you got his toys, his books, his pj's, his-"

"JJ, it's okay." Will said, putting Henry down.

"Sorry," JJ whispered, "just.. Overprotective.."

JJ and Will both kissed Henry and they said their goodbyes.

10:30am

"What happened back then, sweetie?" The elderly therapist asked.

"I.. I lost my baby." JJ said, her hands trembling, her head shaking.

"It's..it's never easy, Hun." The woman said, smiling rather sadly at Will as he cuddled JJ.

"I know, but I can't help but think about what could have been.."

"It does get better, and who knows, you might want to give your little boy a brother or sister." JJ looked up at Will and smiled a bit. "We.. We already are." JJ said, sheepishly.

"What?! That's wonderful!"

"Yeah.." JJ said.

"Well, listen, from what you've told me in this past hour, I can make an attempt at diagnosing you with PTSD. You must have endured some type of danger in the past few months." The woman said. Boy, was she good..

April 20, 2014

"How big is the baby?" Henry wondered, resting his head on JJ's shoulder.

"Not that big, buddy," JJ answered, wrapping her arms around her son, "but I've got a bump."

"A bump?" Henry asked, tilting his head in question.

"Yeah, what the baby grows inside." JJ said, taking Henry's hand so he could feel it. JJ was 4 months pregnant, and was only glad she and her baby survived the severe torture Hastings and Askari did. It was only then, when she was rescued, that she decided to tell Will about the baby inside of her. He would have to know, anyway.

"Whoa!" Henry exclaimed, as he felt JJ's belly.

"What?" JJ asked.

"That's so weird!" Henry giggled.

"Really?" JJ laughed.

April 20, 2011 

_Her baby was really gone. Nobody was there anymore. Nobody to talk to when things went awry. Stop it, JJ, stop thinking about what could have been. Stop telling yourself that your baby needed to be in heaven. All those quotes and sayings weren't true. Hastings killed your baby because he needed to escape. He didn't care about you. He never did. He never will. Just give up. JJ, make that first cut. You can do it. It'll be a reminder of the one thing you so greatly needed._

April 20, 2014

"Got the groceries." Will said, putting the shopping bags on the table.

"Thanks." JJ said, stressfully.

"Hey, JJ, it's no problem.. Really." Will whispered in her ear, kissing her.

"Did you get yogurt?" Henry ran into the kitchen, yelling.

"Yeah, buddy, I did." Will said, putting the yogurts on the table. He heard Henry exclaim with excitement.

"Did you get the baby anything?" Henry followed up, leaning against JJ's legs.

"Sweetie," JJ said, bending down to Henry's level, "the baby doesn't need anything until it's born."

"Why can't it have anything when it's born?" Henry wondered.

"When it's born," JJ said, "I'll have to feed it, then we can buy it some stuff."

"Where will it sleep?" Henry asked.

"For now," Will said, "in momma's tummy."

"But," JJ continued, "when it's born, it'll have it's own room, just like you."

"Oohh." Henry nodded.

Later That Night

_Today made me happy. I enjoyed it. I want this baby to just live with us. I don't want to die. I want to make up for everything. The baby I'm carrying has to live. I can't lose another one. It depends on how I feel. I might have a bad day, and just feel that leaving will make you guys better and happier. I'm always second guessing myself. One day I want this, one day, I want that. I kept it a secret for so long, but if you must know, I started cutting when I lost the baby. Something went off in my mind, and I had to. They told me to do it, and now I can't stop. I don't think I'll ever stop. My tallies have been going since 2011, and I'm in the final 3 days. I've made it this far in life. I'm not turning around. I'm not taking another path. This is the way it's going to be. _

_-JJ _

_2 days left._


End file.
